if complacency is the worst thing that can happen to a person
then i must be living the dream life
never a dull moment
never a steady week
i sometimes dont know how my heart could still be pumping after allowing itself to feel this much
or how my brain could possibly stand the circles i allow it to go in searching for something

i never thought at 25 i'd be even more confused about love and life than i was at 16
which doesn't give me much hope for the future
i realize that no relationship will ever be work free
that i will always hurt and struggle and give things up for someone else
i just want to know which guy is worth fighting for
how much fight is too much fight
why does giving someone up feel like the most incredible pain i could ever experience
and when will i stop having to experience that
when will i be done
when will i be happy
not just happy for one week
but that deep down happy, that even in the worst fight, never goes away

for the past 10 minutes i've just been staring at my computer screen
because when i watch tv shows on megavideo, i'm only allowed to watch 67 minutes
then i have to wait 54 more minutes before i can start watching it again
and i've seriously been considering just sitting in this chair for 54 minutes til i can hit reload
i mean honestly i would think that the fact that its 1pm and i've already watched 67 minutes is sad enough
but to add to it,i can think of no better way to pass the 54 minutes between my next 67 minutes of mindless couch sitting
then to continue to mindless couch sit
this is my nightmare
i'm gonna go spend $20 at target and then wonder why my bank account is so low

"Sooner or later you just figure out there are some guys who don't believe in God and they can prove He doesn't exist, and some other guys who do believe in God and they can prove He does exist, and the argument stopped being about God a long time ago and now it's about who is smarter, and honestly I don't care. I don't believe I will ever walk away from God for intellectual reasons. If I walk away from Him, I will walk away for social reasons, identity reasons, deep emotional reasons, the same reasons that any of us do anything."

you are the worst thing that ever happened to me.
eventually you'll have to learn how to care about someone other than yourself.

i understand that i am flawed
i have a tendency of never allowing myself to be happy
i think being down to earth requires a slightly sadistic perspective
seeing that the world works in two very different ways
that everything is not always okay
not all jokes are funny
not all marriages last
and when you think something could be wrong
it usually is
i will admit to you that i lack the ability to get over things easily
that sometimes i think the one thing i need is the one thing i avoid
being alone
because i need the security that a relationship is supposed to bring
i need it daily
i can't pretend i'm comforted by the way you used to tell me you felt about me
i need relationships
and when they are perfect i make myself miserable
and when they are over i dwell on how i just gave up the most amazing thing i ever had
and when they just are
i just am
thinking about how contentment is the most boring, unattractive lifestyle i've ever had
we are every night and every day
repeated lines
reused material
i say something
stand back
and enjoy the show
suck it up, close my eyes, and try to be patient
maybe i am looking for something that doesn't exist

i hate checkers
the game, not the greasy fast food place
i hate it because every second and third grader i interact with wants to play it
and elementary school aged children dont like to lose
they love to cheat, make up rules, and lie
but they dont like to lose
in most games i can prevent the cheating
something concrete like, you roll the dice, you go that many places
end of story
if you can count to 6, then you can't cheat
but checkers is an entirely different situation

so this 3rd grader asks me to play
we had just finished a game of sorry! where i lost
because i always feel this helpless need to lose when i play games against children
like if i dont lose they'll cry or get mad
so i always halfass it and then say something like "wow you're really good at this"
but this kid laughed when i lost sorry!, loudly
so i decided i wasn't bullshiting during checkers
i wasn't in the mood to lose
bring it on
this game of checkers was mine.
problem number one, he tells me he can put his peices on every square, red and black
usually i just say "okay" and play his made up game of NOT CHECKERS
but today i said no, every other square or im out
so he complies
and i start playing with strategy
the game lasts about 10 seconds before he starts to cheat
saying he can "rainbow jump" over two of my pieces at once
i said no, and he fought me but i didnt back down
rainbow jump doesnt exist shut up
then he zizags around one of my pieces and takes it
i take it back, f that
what is so difficult about moving only one black square forward at a time?
at this point i think i see tears weld in his eyes from being rejected, but i dont care
but then he makes it, and gets KINGed
and starts heading backwards, red squares, black squares, rainbow jumps, zizag jumps
i started to fight it but not only was i really tired of fighting him
but i realize i have no idea what a little checker can do once he gets kinged
probably because i've never been kinged
because i let you fools beat me within 60 seconds of beginning the game
so i gave up
watched as each of my pieces were taken, no matter how far away or in what direction of his king
so whatever, i hate checkers

all i've ever wanted was someone to stop me from thinking so much.

i was standing in line at the student store
just trying to buy some ice cream and gtfo
when the skinny, thin hair, oversized tits cashier looks at me two people deep in her line and says
"hola"
it was strange because i knew she was looking dead at me but i still wasn't sure if she was talking to me
because why was she talking to me?
its not even my turn
she was literally checking someone else out
and saying "hola" to me
the chick holding the ice cream behind other people
i just kinda looked behind me and then smiled back at her
like...okay, cool. hola.
then i scoot up to check out and she starts telling me how much she loves my hair
then my smile, then my teeth
she asks me if im a yankee, or italian. two questions i've been asked way too often
im starting to question my own identity/actual parents
at this point im also realizing that the "hola" she gave me earlier may not have been just her trying to be hip, but her actually thinking that i was Hispanic.
anyway, i literally bought one thing, but she kept talking long enough to ask me my major and tell me her son was gay.
i'm surprised the ice cream didn't melt before she finished
but then i ate the ice cream in the library and laughed at danny talking about blind people until i cried.